Inhalter
Friends, I continue to bring to your attention a comparative solution of queries — in the style of the Synton approach and in the style of other psychological schools.
Fro:
“I used to have big problems with guys. I could not build relationships, they broke off at the stage of retention. I worked with a psychoanalyst, he revealed my fears from childhood. I worked with them according to the Sinelnikov method. And it seems like a man appeared on the horizon, at first glance, quite good. They fell in love, got married quickly. The first year of life was awesome and happy. I was very happy.
Then a child was born. The husband began to deteriorate little by little and eventually deteriorated completely. He began to do everything to spite me, what I do not like. Basically, it all started after I began to change the image. Dye your hair, cut your hair.
And I began to change my image because, due to pregnancy and after childbirth, I passed well, I became older and look worse, I wanted to freshen up.
In the end, he left completely, well spoiled the soul. And I tried to return, but I didn’t want to myself.
What do you think, is it the reason for the broken family or me? Did I do something wrong?»
The answer of a representative of one of the psychological schools:
It hurts a lot when hopes are dashed. When you believe in a fairy tale, a miracle. And it seems that it has already happened (after all, it was a year of awesome life). However, something happens… and Prince Charming turns into an evil monster.
It is very difficult for me to answer your question — who is to blame for this situation.
It’s great that you were able to get married and have a baby. It’s a gift from life, from God, from your husband.
However, I see that at the same time the child brought discord into your life. He ended a happy year together. He made you fat and ugly. And you even had to change your image because of this. And how do you connect that it was the image that spoiled your husband’s attitude towards you.
A child changes our lives. Forever… A child changes our body. Forever and ever
And on the one hand, you forbid yourself to think that it was with the advent of the child that everything went wrong.
On the other hand, it needs to be looked at directly.
Unfortunately, according to statistics, young families separate in the first year after the birth of a child.
Because a child raises a huge amount of feelings, emotions, experiences. Our own experiences at this age. Despite the fact that we don’t remember these experiences at all, our body remembers. And our body reacts as in deep childhood.
And good mothers turn into shrews. And good dads turn into ugly monsters that crap in the soul. Because once upon a time, this is exactly what his dad did with his mom. And he might have wanted to do things differently. May it not…
The child is not to blame for anything, he just appeared
Unconsciously, inside you blame him for the end of your happiness. Don’t, don’t do it.
Reflect on how to accept yourself as a new, different one. See in your husband a little frightened boy who does not know what to do in such situations, so he just “shits” and runs away.
See your child as a gift of Destiny, as a gift from God. He came into this world to solve your childhood problems. And it will bring you joy and happiness. Be sure of it.
With faith in your happiness, S. M., analytical psychologist.
I, as a representative (representative) of the synton approach in practical psychology, will answer differently.
The reason for the failed family is that two people, you and your husband, were waiting for your family, as well as good relationships in the family, to all work out by itself. But that doesn’t happen. A strong and happy family, as a joint project, is formed by people who think and are ready to work on relationships. That is: you need to get acquainted with the characteristics of each other (love in itself does not give this), you need to negotiate, go towards each other, change yourself in some way. There is nothing incredibly difficult about it, but it is such a job: to make a family. It seems that neither you nor your man were ready for this job. This is normal: you were not taught, so you failed. This is the main reason: in your mutual unpreparedness.
What to do? learn. It’s not very difficult. The very first and simplest thing is to discuss the Family Agreement Questionnaire at the beginning of your life together. This will help you “see” your future project together, your future life together, help you get to know each other’s features and views, and begin to teach you how to negotiate.
All these issues can be discussed both separately and seriously, and briefly, along the way, as if by the way: for example, in casual conversations on dates, as if simply out of interest, examining some important topic for coexistence. One day they talked about his parents, how he treats them, the other day — about money, how he thinks who should earn it in the family, How long, and also the general or separate family budget should be. On what next day they threw a conversation about children — how does your young man feel about them, how many children would he like, how does he see their upbringing … Once discuss the issue and appearance, how will he react to the fact that you dye your hair or short cut your hair and draw the necessary conclusions. This is how you slowly get to know each other. Not all men know what they want in a future relationship, and often you yourself imagine it rather vaguely, but a joint conversation will help you better understand what is important to you, what is possible and what is unacceptable.
Topics and sample questions for discussion:
Muecht a Suen. Who is the head of the family? Everywhere? Always? In everything? How long money do we need for a living wage? What is our maximum plan? If there is not enough money in the family, what then? Who will be responsible for resolving this issue? What and when will there be claims against someone who will be dependent on another? Is there only personal money, who has it and How long? How will we manage the common money? «You’re a spender!» — how is this problem solved? Because of the damage to what things can you make a scandal to another? What do you want in an apartment? What will you not tolerate?
Aarbecht. Do you have requirements for the work of another? What shouldn’t be there? Is it possible for you to change jobs for the sake of your family? For what? Under what conditions?
Iessen a Kichen. What are the wishes and requirements? Vegetarianism? Table setting? How do we react if it is not tasty and monotonous? Who makes the purchases: what kind, who wears heavy things, who stands in lines, etc.? Who cooks, should the other help and in what way? Can there be claims about «tasteless»? In what form? Who clears the table and washes the dishes after eating together? Does a man clean up after himself after eating alone? Is it important to you? In what degree? sterile shine or just not dirty and cluttered? Who sweeps and washes the floors, vacuums, dusts? How regularly? Will there be an au pair? If dirt is brought in, who will wipe it off and when? Do we wash our dirty shoes right away? Do we make our bed right away? Who? Do we hang a dress, a suit behind us, do we put things in their place?
Kleeder, Erscheinung a perséinlech Betreiung. Clothing: attitude to fashion, preferences, How long are we willing to spend, do we coordinate tastes or does everyone dress as they please?
Gesondheet. Is there an obligation to take care of your health? And if the other does not follow his own? If someone is seriously ill? If a woman is very stout after childbirth?
Familljememberen. How often are you going to visit your parents and relatives? Must be together? Can relatives interfere with your relationships and lifestyle?
Fräizäit an Hobbyen. How will we spend our free time? And when will the baby come? What are you interested in and how seriously? How will this relate to the interests of the family? Is your spouse obligated to share your hobbies? What is your attitude towards visiting friends, bars, theater, conservatory? Hiking? Home stay? TV? Vidic? Books? Sport? Pets: who would you like to have? Why don’t you tolerate it?
Kanner. How many kids do you want when? What if there are no children? What if it’s an unplanned pregnancy? Who will take care of the child, what kind of help do you expect? How will you react to the lack of free time? To limitations in the usual ways of entertainment? Who will be in charge of education? How do you want to see your child and how do you plan to achieve this? Is it tough, directive, or is everything just towards the child, so as not to break his psyche?
Frënn. In the context of family life, do you plan to meet with friends: how often, where, in what form, when together with your spouse, when separately?
Behuelen a schlecht Gewunnechten. Is it possible to be sloppy dressed if friends are visiting? What if you are alone at home? Do you smoke, drink? When, How long? What will you allow yourself, your spouse? How will you react if your spouse is drunk? If your spouse has bad or unpleasant habits (biting his nails, shuffling his feet, not washing his hands before eating), how will you react?
Eis Relatioun. What tokens do you need? And to another? What will offend you very much? And the other? How will you ask for forgiveness? How will you forgive? How long will you sulk at each other?
Based on these questions, you can create your own, which are important to you and discuss them in advance. You will be able to know in advance how the other person will behave in situations that are important to you, and immediately tell in advance how you plan to behave. You will have the opportunity to understand whether you like the looming rules of cohabitation. There will be an opportunity to see future problem areas in the relationship — and consider whether you are ready to accept it. For example, are they ready to accept slovenliness or not a particular desire for material prosperity and social growth, not willingness to change the daily routine in connection with the appearance of children (the desire to shift the burden of caring for a child only to his wife), and so on.
The main thing I wanted to say is that talk, talk in advance about the rules of your cohabitation, about what you would like to see on the shoulders of another, and what you want to take on. Discuss possible difficulties in advance — in connection with the appearance of children, lack of money, with the revealed habits of each other. And also learn, even during the period of falling in love, to see the habits and aspirations of another person, learn to predict how he or she will behave in everyday situations. How selfish is your partner, how adapted in everyday life, how common is everyday politeness? All these reflections and observations will help to avoid unpleasant surprises.
I summarize once again: the reason for the discord in your relationship is that you knew little about what family life is, you did not know who was ready for it and who was not. You did not collect this knowledge, did not prepare yourself for family life and did not examine your partner for readiness for it. And again, it’s not all that difficult. Gradually, you will succeed.